Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Planet of the Apps.

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.