Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

*Inspirational Tweets*

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

Good Morning.

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

Grew big