She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
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I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
H: I don’t understand what goes on in your head.
Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this.
H: No, we’re good.
customer: can i get a microwave
me: sure *wiggling my pinky* hello
A Nicki Minaj song makes way more sense if you make up your own lyrics.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.
[a blind date]
me: you look disappointed?
him: your text said you model…
me: autocorrect must’ve changed it; i don’t model, i yodel. hey where are you going, should i just order for you?
“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
— funeral home designers