*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
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Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.