Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

I could NOT have put it better myself.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”