Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
You Might Also Like
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*