Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
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Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.