Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no