Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
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A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now