Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
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[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
estão todos miauvindo?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year