Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

◾️

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏