Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
this is the news I live for
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?