Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: *enters exam room
Doctor: Please take off your…
M: *unbuttons pants
D: I’M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
*orange falls out onto floor*
M: *mumbles* yes