@Henry_3k

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

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@nachosarah

I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up

@Seinfeld2000

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

@amydillon

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

@_zazaz_

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

@iluvyogacats

Me: *enters exam room
Doctor: Please take off your…
M: *unbuttons pants
D: ??
M: *pauses*
D: GLASSES!
D: I’M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!

@AmishPornStar1

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

@pleatedjeans

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

@Robbie_Cakes

Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!

@caperbc75

Dr: …
Me: …
D: …
M: …
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
M: No
*orange falls out onto floor*
D: …
M: *mumbles* yes