Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Cinematography is my passion
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending