Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’