Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Beauty and the Beast
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
one last job
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off