Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
bros in the example zone 😭
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
had to share :’)
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic