Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

Close call…

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.