Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
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Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit