@Hardywolf359

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

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@dubstep4dads

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

@maisonwithapen

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

@nachosarah

if we’re on a date and you’re rude to the waiter I’d be like holy shit I’m on a date

@DominicGraz

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

@envydatropic

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

@FunnyBison

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

@robdelaney

My marriage is a mess and I’m in real financial trouble. But the McRib will return one day, and that’s what keeps me going.

@BadJokeCat

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.