Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
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Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Grandpa
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me when I try to be useful
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎