Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
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Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
At this point, egging someone’s house could be interpreted as a sign of affection.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed