Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

remember

only for emergencies

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

I only treason on days ending in y

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.