Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
This meal prepping shit easy
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.