Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.