Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

this got me crying😭😭

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.