Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.