Meanwhile in Canada…
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0