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Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko