Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

I know a bad idea when I see one.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.