Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

lol