Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
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I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Erm…
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
My wife is suspicious about me coming to bed early and I’m like “I’m just tired and ready for bed*”
*Playstation network is down.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
That’s fair
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.