Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Spider-cat: No One Home

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>