Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

brian had himself a morning…

Anime is real

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

This will teach them to underestimate me

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.