@_youhadonejob1

Meanwhile in London.

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@gavinpivott

“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.

@SlappNuttz

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

@Alex_Houseof308

My neighbor hates preparing food for his horses with his son, coz the boy always finds ways to mess things up.

So instead, he’ll ask the boy to polish his shoes to keep him busy, and then he’ll hurry to the stables to work. He makes hay while the son shines

@hippieswordfish

ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with
BANKER: what
M: oops i meant ‘with which to take over the world’

@HiddenPinky

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

@WritePlay

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

@2thestreetz

*lights scented candle*

*accidentally burns down house*

*everyone agreed that it smelled amazing*

@Try2StopME

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.