i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
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GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.