“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
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16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
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Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.