Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
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My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Bringing home a sharpie
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning