Meanwhile in Portland…
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Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.