Meanwhile in Portland…
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Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
A family that plays together cheats.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.