I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
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when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
That’s incredible! 👌
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Education is vital
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
umm…