This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My pet rock likes to dent people’s heads. I don’t blame him
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.