@_youhadonejob1

Meanwhile in Thailand.

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@bvb1123

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

@JimGaffigan

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

@Carbosly

There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

@david8hughes

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFEโ€™S FRIEND: sheโ€™s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* Thatโ€™s how numbers work

@Kids_kubed

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

@malt_skull

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

@3sunzzz

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.