Meanwhile in Thailand.

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This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.


As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.


There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.


Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great


WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFEโ€™S FRIEND: sheโ€™s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* Thatโ€™s how numbers work


Me: Go get everyone for dinner please


Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice


6: The screaming

Me: I got it


major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already


Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?


Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.