Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Cause of death: Zumba
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way