@BobbyBigWheel

Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting

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@TheAlexNevil

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

@omgthatspunny

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

@Dawn_M_

Don’t judge me because I like 80’s music. Judge me because I had a late term abortion because a baby would ruin my holiday plans.

@AllieGoertz

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

@StoferComic

A picture’s worth 1,000 words, which explains why Twitter only shows 14 percent of the images I post.

@Mouthy_

My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

@Alfa_fox

New theory: It’s Raining Men and Let The Bodies Hit The Floor are both accounts of the same event but from wildly different perspectives.

@WheelTod

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

@whatkylasaid

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.