Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.