Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

can’t believe I got front row seats

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

bought wrong eggs

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?