Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

Meanwhile in Portland…

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…