Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
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12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
If my kids invented a drink.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though