Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

I’d rather go liquor treating.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

The Friday File.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.