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My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]