meanwhile over on facebook
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Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
lost dog
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info