meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
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Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.