#MeanwhileInCanada
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
This fish is cracking me up
🚲+physics = winner
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?