#MeanwhileInCanada
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I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!