#MeanwhileinCanada
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I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Coffee for people with no kids
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Start the year as you intend to continue.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody