#MeanwhileinCanada
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Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.