#MeanwhileinCanada
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If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Confused owl: What?!
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.