#MeanwhileInCanada
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Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.