Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

no

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food