Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They did not miss in the small print

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?