Meat Cute
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the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Proctologist = Analyst
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?