Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
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*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
When he asks for feet pics
