Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”