Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

My dad is at it again

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over