Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

Tapped in

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication