Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
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*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>