Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
You Might Also Like
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Bear
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair