Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
You Might Also Like
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
the three branches of government
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.