Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

No one :

Me when I swimming :

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

Cats are still liquid.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.