Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Siri: Retweet me.

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

I’m not sorry.

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s