Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
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“The Perfect Relationship”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.