Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
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Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
do what now??
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.