Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
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Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.