Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me