Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
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Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food