Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
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Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.